A Valley News Publication

I shouldn’t even have to write this, but as ~an avid internet reader~, I feel it’s my obligation. So listen up, kids, because I’m only gonna say this once.

I don’t care how delicious they look, or how much they resemble candy (questionable, tbh). I’m just gonna quote Mean Girls here: Don’t eat Tide Pods, because you will get sick and die. (OK, I modified the original quote a little.)

I’m serious, you guys. That ish is toxic. The only place laundry detergent belongs is in your washing machine, not in your stomach.

Really. Don’t do it.

Don’t do it, even though the internet sent you mixed messages and told you to do it and now is telling you not to do it. Don’t. Full stop.

Do not take the Nike approach and “Just Do It.” Don’t do later — don’t do it at all.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not eat a goddamn Tide Pod.