A Valley News Publication

The New Hampshire Union Leader on Thursday published a piece hinting that mecca for poor college kids furniture giant Ikea *might* be looking to build a new store in Salem, N.H. See for yourself:

My co-worker Tim Camerato alerted me to this news, and I was fairly excited. I’m not a huge Ikea patron, but I’d probably be more inclined to shop there if it were much closer to where I grew up, instead of having to haul to Stoughton, Mass. Plus, I do enjoy walking through the store. (On a scale of 1 to freaking pumped, you could say I was a ‘Michael’s is coming to the Upper Valley!!!’ Tim, meanwhile, was less enthused.)

Now, no one — not the developer nor the company itself — has yet confirmed or denied that Ikea is coming to Salem, but judging by the proposed site plans, it sure looks like it is. Here, we explore the reasons why it’s likely Ikea is bound for the Granite State.

Exhibit A: It’s a massive building.

  • Target isn’t that big, y’all. (And Salem already has one anyway.)
  • The proposed store is going to be yuge. Like, 350,000 square feet yuge. Judging by the sheer size of the building, there’s only one retailer that makes sense.

Exhibit B: The colors.

  • Everyone knows that if it’s blue, yellow and ridiculously large, it’s an Ikea. Unless it’s going to be the world’s biggest Best Buy store (and Salem also has one of those, btw), it’s going to be an Ikea. Next.

Exhibit C: The initial sign proposal also was gigantic.

  • According to the article, a “proposal to build a sign 108 feet tall with a total of 1,800 square feet for the proposed store has been withdrawn.” What kind of store needs a sign that large? An Ikea, that’s what.

Exhibit D: Everyone agrees it’s going to be an Ikea. 

  • This one pretty much explains itself. From the Union Leader piece:

    People taking a break at the northbound Hooksett rest area along Interstate 93 Wednesday were asked to eyeball the store’s proposed look filed with Salem last month.

    “It’s pretty similar to that” IKEA store in Stoughton, Mass., said Bow resident Steve Roy, who grew up in Salem.

    “IKEA!” said Littleton resident Meggen Wright.

  • Meggen knows what’s up.

It’s toooootally an IKEA, you guys.