A Valley News Publication

Welp, they opened that sarcophagus in Egypt

They done did it, y’all.

You might have heard rumors promising the end of times if officials opened a massive granite sarcophagus that recently was unearthed in Alexandria. Well, the sarcophagus was opened today, because of course it was, and I regret to tell you that nothing too exciting happened.

Despite suspicions that the coffin might contain a deadly curse or the remains of someone quite famous, it appears that all that was inside were three skeletons and some rotting sewage. As the BBC reported:

We found the bones of three people, in what looks like a family burial … Unfortunately the mummies inside were not in the best condition and only the bones remain,” said Mostafa Waziri, secretary-general of the Supreme Council of Antiquities.

Experts believe the three could have been soldiers in the time of the pharaohs. Pretty cool, if not a bit of a letdown. After all, we were promised something ghastly:

Addressing media fears that disturbing the tomb could trigger an implacable Pharaoh’s curse, Mr. Waziri declared: “We’ve opened it and, thank God, the world has not fallen into darkness.

“I was the first to put my whole head inside the sarcophagus… and here I stand before you … I am fine.”

Thanks for taking one for the team, Waziri.

Still, the day was not without some commotion: The smell of the sewage was so repugnant that the site had to be evacuated, the BBC reported.

IHOB is dead, long live IHOP

In a move that is surprising to almost no one, a breakfast joint has changed its name once again.

The restaurant chain previously known as International House of Pancakes, or IHOP, which became the International House of Burgers, or IHOB, for a hot second, now is back to being IHOP. The brand came clean on Twitter on Monday.

Let the record show I called this, as I noted on June 11:

It was not immediately clear on Monday if the name change was permanent, though my money is on it being a fairly temporary push.

Our hearts are with our industry colleagues at the Capital Gazette

Capital reporters Pat Furgurson and Chase Cook say their goodbyes at a parking lot across the street from their workplace where five of their colleagues were killed in a shooting on Thursday, June 28, 2018 in Annapolis, Md. (Thalia Juarez/Capital Gazette/TNS)

The suspect in yesterday’s mass shooting at the Capital Gazette in Annapolis, Md., has been charged with five counts of murder. You can subscribe to the Gazette website for four weeks for 99 cents at www.capitalgazette.com.

Some Gouda news: America’s cheese stockpile just hit an all-time high

And yes, I did run that exact headline in today’s paper, thankyouverymuch.

Sure, my headline was a little cheesy, but I thought it’d Brie a good one, given the context.

Standing ovation for this Brazilian reporter who shouted down a guy who tried to kiss her at the World Cup

Get. Out. Of. Her. Face.

RELATED: World Cup reporter shouts at man who tried to kiss her on camera (CNN)