A Valley News Publication

In case you didn’t believe me when I said Toronto is the trash panda capital of the world

Trash pandas, aka raccoons, are continuing their assault on Torontonians, and apparently becoming more brazen. Several raccoons recently broke into a Toronto woman’s home, ate her bread, and gave her a “What are you gonna do about it?” look all the while.

Maybe residents will have to install raccoon-proof locks on their doors next. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Welcome to Toronto, home of aggressive trash pandas

Apparently raccoons — or at least one super smart “uber-raccoon” in particular — for years have been causing serious headaches for Torontonians, who have been forced to take excessive measures to protect their garbage cans from the medium-sized mammals. From National Public Radio:

The raccoon scourge was bad enough that the city spent CA$31 million on “raccoon-resistant” organic green-colored waste bins in 2016. It was the latest assault in what Canadian media have called a “raccoon war.”

The bins were a success, so much so that Toronto residents began expressing concern that the trash pandas might be starving, or even dying, because they’d been cut off from their primary food source (“trash pandas” is a slang term for raccoons, in case you didn’t know).

Experts say that’s not the case, because they’ve been weighing dead raccoons and they’re all just as fat, or fatter, than they were before the bins were distributed to residents.

tl;dr: The raccoon-proof garbage bins have largely been effective, but there are some wily raccoons who have managed to continue to access the trash, either through their own ingenuity or due to faulty garbage bins.

But they’re definitely not starving, no matter how you spin it.

Apparently singing in your car can get you in trouble with the cops in Canada

Remind me to never sing and drive in Montreal, because I’ll definitely be getting a ticket.

You’ve probably heard a little ditty called Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) by C+C Music Factory at least once in ya life. It was real big in the ’90s and it’s mad catchy. It still bangs, tbh.

No one knows this better than Taoufik Moalla, who recently landed himself in some hot water over the song.

From Buzzfeed:

Moalla was driving along singing the ’90s chart-topper in September when he heard sirens behind him. When he pulled over, four (!) police officers came up and asked if he’d been screaming. No, he said, just singing along.

Buzzfeed / CTV / Via Twitter: @CTVNews

Iconic.

Unfortunately for Moalla, the cops were NOT into his performance: They gave him a $149 ticket for causing a public disturbance VIA SCREAMING.

“I don’t think it was too loud, I was happy, I was in a good mood and I was just repeating the refrain,” Moalla told The Canadian Press.

Dude is a quote machine, first off. Also, I don’t wanna live in a world where I can’t sing along to songs at the top of my lungs. He’s contesting the ticket, obviously.

Boy, do I wish I could be the reporter who got to interview the officers for the story on the incident. Questions I’d ask: Have you ever actually listened to Everybody Dance Now? Are you really going to assert that you’ve never sang-screamed this chorus, or any other chorus, while operating a vehicle? Do you hate happiness?

I feel for Moalla, truly. This very easily could have been me. The car is my stage. Exhibit A: