A Valley News Publication

I will not be participating in the ‘Coffin Challenge,’ thank you v much

A Six Flags amusement park in Eureka, Mo., has announced it is holding a “coffin challenge,” inviting people to be locked in a coffin for 30 hours for the chance to score some prizes. How fun!!! /s

Yes, that’s right. The “Fright Fest 30-Hour Coffin Challenge” will take place on Saturday, Oct. 13. According to a report by Fox 4 News, those who last the longest being locked in the coffins could win an assortment of things that don’t even come close to making up for the trauma that likely would result from being trapped in a coffin for 30 hours straight. Those prizes include:

Two 2019 Gold Season Passes, a Fright Fest prize package, two VIP Haunted House passes and a ticket for two to ride the Freak Train for Freak Unleashed. The winner will also be entered in a drawing for a $300 prize.

Six Flags will be providing six “deluxe” 2-foot by 7-foot coffins as well as “meals, snacks and drinks in bed” (and by bed, they mean coffin). They’ll also generously offer a six-minute bathroom break every hour.

Oh, and did I mention the coffins are PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED (???) (Six Flags says they’re “slightly used.” I don’t even wanna know what that means, tbh.)

Y’all, I’m not even claustrophobic, but I’m saying it’s a hard pass on this one. I don’t care what the prize is. I’d do a lot of things for a Klondike bar, and I would do anything for love, but like Meatloaf said, I won’t do that.

Welp, they opened that sarcophagus in Egypt

They done did it, y’all.

You might have heard rumors promising the end of times if officials opened a massive granite sarcophagus that recently was unearthed in Alexandria. Well, the sarcophagus was opened today, because of course it was, and I regret to tell you that nothing too exciting happened.

Despite suspicions that the coffin might contain a deadly curse or the remains of someone quite famous, it appears that all that was inside were three skeletons and some rotting sewage. As the BBC reported:

We found the bones of three people, in what looks like a family burial … Unfortunately the mummies inside were not in the best condition and only the bones remain,” said Mostafa Waziri, secretary-general of the Supreme Council of Antiquities.

Experts believe the three could have been soldiers in the time of the pharaohs. Pretty cool, if not a bit of a letdown. After all, we were promised something ghastly:

Addressing media fears that disturbing the tomb could trigger an implacable Pharaoh’s curse, Mr. Waziri declared: “We’ve opened it and, thank God, the world has not fallen into darkness.

“I was the first to put my whole head inside the sarcophagus… and here I stand before you … I am fine.”

Thanks for taking one for the team, Waziri.

Still, the day was not without some commotion: The smell of the sewage was so repugnant that the site had to be evacuated, the BBC reported.

French shoppers go nuts over Nutella sale

Can you blame them, though?

Shoppers in France came to blows on Thursday after grocery stores slashed the price of Nutella by 70 percent, causing a frenzy among shoppers who apparently are really into the chocolaty hazelnut spread. (Turns out the French are the second largest consumers of Nutella, ranking just behind the Germans. Who knew?)

In Northern France’s town of Ostricourt, The Cut reported, “police were dispatched to handle fights. In the Loire Valley, a store’s entire stock disappeared in minutes and a customer ended up with a black eye. And in Southern France, shoppers threw themselves on a worker carrying Nutella.” o_0

“They are like animals,” a customer at the Rive-de-Gier supermarket in central France told Le Progres newspaper. “A woman had her hair pulled, an elderly lady took a box on her head, another had a bloody hand. It was horrible.”

I like a deal as much — or more than — the next girl, but I’m not sure I’m willing to sock an old lady for discount Nutella. (Joseph’s Buffalo hummus, on the other hand … )